to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell? -- Dorothy Parker There's no future in time travel There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse. There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. -- Clint Eastwood There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlin "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!" These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. They also surf who only stand on waves. They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain "They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!" They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results About a month before. Their hair began to curl The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this To pass where they had failed For it must ever be And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. My notion was to start again Ignoring all they'd done We quickly turned it into code To see if it would run. They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! Things are more like they used to be than they are now. Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. Think honk if you're a telepath. Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes. Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. This fortune intentionally not included. This fortune is false. "This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ..." This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. -- A. E. Housman This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... This is the story of the bee Whose sex is very hard to see You cannot tell the he from the she But she can tell, and so can he The little bee is never still She has no time to take the pill And that is why, in times like these There are so many sons of bees. This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams ... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does. As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" Those who can't write, write manuals. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flinstone To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target. To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel, uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very secure ecological niche. -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. Today is the first day of the rest of the mess Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks Did gyre and gimble in their cave All mimsy was the CS-VAX And Cory raths outgrave. "Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! Beware the broken pipe, and shun The frumious system crash!" 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel Two percent of zero is almost nothing. UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe" Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive. Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larson United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the world. -- Isaac Asimov Universe, n.: The problem. University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible. Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S. C. Johnson Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of that old underwear you own. VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers. Virtue is its own punishment. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Vitamin C deficiency is apauling Vote anarchist "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy Wasting time is an important part of living. Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it. We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." -- Lily Tomlin We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. -- F. G. Withington We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. ... "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee." The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, we will cry over things we used to laugh & our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & in the end a summer with wild winds & new friends will be. We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna And a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell Smart "We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later." We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly. -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references. Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. -- Core Dumped Blues Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? What I tell you three times is true. What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. "What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" -- Bertold Brecht What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." -- Susan Gordon What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon. What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" What with chromodynamics and electroweak too Our Standardized Model should please even you, Tho once you did say that of charm there was none It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. Yet your state of the union penultimate large Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, Dec. 1984 "What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" Whatever became of eternal truth? Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. -- Robespierre When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. -- Kim Hubbard When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop? When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" When all other means of communication fail, try words. When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them. When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. -- Mark Twain When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. "When in doubt, tell the truth." -- Mark Twain When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! -- Laurie Anderson When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. "When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" -- Jon Carroll When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Dave Parnas Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar Wilde Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair. Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada" While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. "Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. -- A. E. Housman Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? Who's on first? Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. "Why be a man when you can be a success?" -- Bertold Brecht Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but ... -- I have to floss my cat. -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. -- I need to spend more time with my blender. -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. -- I have some really hard words to look up. -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. "Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved" -- Mark Twain "Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" -- Lily Tomlin Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children open their old-fashioned presents. Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this cretin TOP?" Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" "Why was I born with such contemporaries?" -- Oscar Wilde Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm? With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. -- Steve Rubenstein Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat -- Lewis Carrol Write-Protect Tab, n.: A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience. -- Robb Russon X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot. Xerox does it again and again and again and ... Xerox never comes up with anything original. "Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. Yes, but which self do you want to be? Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. -- Snoopy Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA. Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" "You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same; Those William's would be better unread -- Do these facts never fill you with shame?" "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, "I wrote wonderful papers galore; But the great reputation I found that I'd won, Made it pointless to think any more." "You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- Don't you think that you should save your breath?" "I have answered three questions and that is enough," Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- Pray, how did you manage to do it?" "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." -- Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books And don't realize that they've been had." "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- Pray what is the reason of that?" "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, "I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- Allow me to sell you a couple?" -- Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear; You complain about everyone's English but yours -- Do you really think this is quite fair?" "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, "But my stature these days is so great That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, And to stop me it's now far too late." "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- What made you so awfully clever?" "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -- Lewis Carrol You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses. -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive. You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. -- Bumper Sticker You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN. -- Alan Perlis You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. -- F. Allen You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers. -- Steven Feiner You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. -- Lauren Bacall "You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood Bumstead You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. Here's the complete text: "1. How much did you make? (AMOUNT) "2. How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) "3. Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" You may be recognized soon. Hide. You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" You might have mail "You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do." You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead. You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. -- J. Wellington Wells You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrick Ibson You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. You will be surprised by a loud noise. You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. "You'll never be the man your mother was!" You're at the end of the road again. You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you. Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. Your fault: core dumped Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. Your lucky color has faded. Your lucky number has been disconnected. Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line. Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "King John" Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense. Sorry, no obscene fortunes. Don't want to offend anyone. (Now that's obscene!) "Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it." "But I don't like Spam!!!!" "Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud." "Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to PUNT." "He is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words." "MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that." "Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!" "Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference." "Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!" "They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!" "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore!" 'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor. dobawka fortunes fortunes.txt tmp tmp.bu UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 1 bulls, 3 cows. 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 23. ... r-q1 : is not an identifier A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun. A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. A gift of flower will soon be made to you. A good memory does not equal pale ink. A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Jack. A king's castle is his home. A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds. A man who turns green has eschewed protein. A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. A soft drink turneth away company. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. Above all things, reverence yourself. Academy: A modern school where football is taught. Actors will happen in the best-regulated families. Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. All in all it's just another brick in the wall... All that glitters has a high refractive index. America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right man. An idle mind is worth two in the bush. And I alone am returned to wag the tail. As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, If God won't have you, the devil must. Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.) Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable. Avoid temporary variables. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF. Avoid unnecessary branches. Baby... -- The Late Elvis Presley. Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Be careful! Is it classified? Be security conscious - National defense is at stake. Been Transferred Lately? Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. Beware the new TTY code! Biggest security gap - an open mouth. Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels. Business will be either better or worse. --Calvin Coolidge By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce? Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun. Cannot fork -- try again. Cannot open /usr/games/lib/fortunes. Center meeting at 4 pm in 2C-543. Change your thoughts and you change your world. Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." Choose variable names that won't be confused. Classified material requires proper storage. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. Concentrate on security. Continental Life. Why do you ask? Courage is grace under pressure. Courage is your greatest present need. Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! Creditors have much better memories than debtors. Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! Death: to stop sinning suddenly. Department meeting in 3 minutes. Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. Disk crisis, please clean up! Disk crunch - please clean up. Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. Do not underestimate the power of the Force. Don't comment bad code-- rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't despair -- your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. Don't diddle code to make it faster-- find a better algorithm. Don't eat yellow snow. Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. Don't gamble with security. Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. Don't guess - check your security regulations. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder Don't patch bad code-- rewrite it. Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key. Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. Don't stop at one bug. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor. Even a cabbage may look at a king. Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Every purchase has its price. Every silver lining has a cloud around it. Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Everybody ought to have a friend. Everybody ought to have a maid. Everyone is enthusiastic about your work. External Security: Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. Flee at once, all is discovered. For a good time, call 8367-3100. Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. >From uucp Mon Dec 3 21:05:46 1979 Genius is the talent of a man who is dead. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. God does not play dice. God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean. God must love the common man; He made so many of them. Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. Hackers of the world, unite! Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. Have you locked your file cabinet? He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. He who hates vices hates mankind. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. He who laughs, lasts. He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. Honi soit la vache qui rit. Houdini escaping from New Jersey! How can you work when the system's so crowded? How many weeks are there in a light year? How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. How untasteful can you get? How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. How you look depends on where you go. How you look depends on where you go. I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. I will never lie to you. I wish you humans would leave me alone. I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain. IOT trap -- core dumped IOT trap -- mos dumped Identify your visitor. If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands. If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. If you ask how much it is, you can't afford it. If you suspect a man, don't employ him. If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. Ignore previous fortune. In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. Institute: An archaic school where football in not taught. Integrity has no need for rules. Is this really happening? It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. It is better to wear out than to rust out. It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. It is easier to run down a hill than up one. It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. It's a poor workman who blames his tools. It's all in the mind, ya know. It's better to burn out than it is to rust. It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. It's later than you think. It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Let the machine do the dirty work. Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL. Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. Long life is in store for you. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac. Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach. MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING Make input easy to proofread Make it right before you make it faster. Make sure all variables are initialized before use. Make sure comments and code agree. Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully. Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing. Many are called, few volunteer. Many are cold, but few are frozen. Many pages make a thick book. Many receive advice, few profit from it. Memory should be the starting point of the present. Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca. Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference. Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure. Money may buy friendship but money can not buy love. Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Multics is security spelled sideways. National security is in your hands - guard it well. Never give an inch! Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river. New UNIX/TS manuals available in 2F-101. No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. No directory. No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the Legislature. Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. One Bell System - it sometimes works. One Bell System - it works. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. Password: Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. People humiliating a salami! People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. Peters hungry, time to eat lunch. Philosophy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Phone call for cbh. Please go away. Please update your programs. Power is poison. Prevent security leaks. Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. Quack! Quit work and play for once! Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Rotten wood can not be carved - Confucius (Analects, Book 5, Ch. 9) SEMPER UBI SUB UBI !!!! Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. Save gas, don't eat beans. Save gas, don't use the shell. Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! Security is the individual's responsibility. Security is your responsibility. Sign on bank: "FREE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH EVERY MILLION-DOLLAR DEPOSIT." Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. Snow Day - stay home. Some men are discovered; others are found out. Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud. Success is a journey, not a destination. System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves. That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all. That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. That's what she said. The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. The best prophet of the future is the past. The best prophet of the future is the past. The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. The door is the key. The early worm gets the bird. The end of labor is to gain leisure. The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. The following statement is not true: The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. The important thing is not to stop questioning. The life which is unexamined is not worth living. The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. The plural of spouse is spice. The price of greatness is responsibility. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. The time is right to make new friends. The universe is laughing behind your back. The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! There are more old drunkards than old doctors. There is a fly on your Dimension! There is no heavier burden than a great potential. There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. There is no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. There is no time like the pleasant. There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed. This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. This is a good time to punt work. This login session: $13.99 This screen intentionally left blank. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose. Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. Time and tide wait for no man. Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent. To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. To teach is to learn. Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. Today is the last day of your life so far. Too clever is dumb. --Ogden Nash Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. Truthful: Dumb and illiterate. Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. Trying to get an education here is like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches. Use debugging compilers. Use free-form input where possible Use library functions. Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. Volcano - a mountain with hiccups. Waste not, get your budget cut next year. Watch out for off-by-one errors. We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. When in doubt, lead trump. When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it. Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". Who are you? Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Words are the voice of the heart. Words must be weighed, not counted. Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. You are being paged. You are going to have a new love affair. You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. You auto buy now. You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. You dialed 5483. You do not have mail. You fill a much-needed gap. You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. You have been selected for a secret mission. You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. You have mail. You look tired You now have Asian Flu. You should go home. You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part. You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. You will feel hungry again in another hour. You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. You will never know hunger. You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. You will step on the night soil of many countries. You'll be called to a post requiring high ability in handling groups of people. Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. Your code should be more efficient! Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. Your education begins where what is called your education is over. Your empty file directory has been deleted. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true. Your salary will be increased. Your supervisor is thinking about you. Youth is the trustee of posterity. chess tonight panic: can't find / unix soit qui mal y pense *** One wet day a woman with a dog got on a bus. It was a very big dog and it's feet were very dirty. The wooman said: "Oh, conductor, if I pay for my dog can he have a seat like the other passengers?" The conductor looked at the dog and then he said: "Certainly, madam, he can have a seat like all the other passengers, but like the other passengers he mustn't put his feet on it." *** A charwoman in a City office was very proud of her skill at polishing floors. "When I started working there,"- she told a friend "the floors were in terrible state. But now it's quite different since I've been polishing them", she added proudly. "Three men working there have fallen down. One of them is still in the hospital with a broken leg." *** Charlie Chaplin Competitions often used to be organised in the USA. The best imitator of the great actor was awarded a special prise. One such competition was secretly attended Charlie. Chaplin himself, who took part in the competition. Great was his surprise when the committee only awarded him the third prise. á Clever Answer. On a fine summer day a farmer, passing by a large tree on his way home to dinner, saw one of his sons lying and sleeping in the shade. The farmer woke him up and said angrily: "How can you sleep here, when all your brothers are working in the garden? You don't deserve to enjoy the sunlight." "Yes, Father, you are right, that is why I am lying in the shade." *** A dyer in a court of justice had to hold up his hand that was all black. The judge said to him: "Take off your gloves, friend!" "Put on your spectacles, Mylord"- answered the dyer. *** George the First of England while on journey to his native kindom stopped at a village in Holland. While fresh horses were being got ready for him, the king asked 2 or 3 eggs. They were brought him and the price asked was a hundred florins. "How is "this?"- asked the king, - "Eggs must surely be very rare here." "Pardon me,"- replied the host, - "eggs are plentiful enough, but kings are rare here." *** A boy bought a twopenny loaf at the baker's. It struck him that it was much smaller, than usual, so he said to the baker: "I don't believe the loaf is the right weight." "Oh, nevert mind,"- answered the baker. "You'll have the less to carry." "Quite right,"- said the boy and put 3 halfpence on the counter. Just as he was leaving the shop the baker called out to him: "I say, Tommy! You haven't given me the price of the loaf!" "Oh, never mind,"- said the boy, "You'll have the less to count." War AlarÍ. Little Tommy went to the movies. He saw a tribe of Indians painting their faces and asked his mother why they were doing so. His mother explained: "Indians always paint their faces before going to the warpath. "The next evening the mother sat in the dining-room and entertained her elder daugter's young man. Suddenly Tommy rushed into the room with wide eyes. "Mommy,"- he cried,- "let's run away quickly: sister is going along the warpath." ïne too maÐÕ. A seaman on a ship based somewhere far away in the Pacific recieved a photo from his fiancee. It represented a scene on the beach: two couples were sitting and laughing gaily, but his girl was sitting alone sad and lonely. In the letter she wrote that the photo showed how she was spending her time while he was away. The seaman was in delight and showed the photo to his friends. Then one night after looking at the photo for a long time he asked his friend: "Listen, John, I wonder, who took the picture?" ôoo latÅ. A young man decided to study at military school. Several days after his medical examintion he recieved a wire from the school: "Regret to inform you, but the test showed that you have TB and heart trouble. "An hour later he recieved another wire, saying: "Please, disregard the first wire. Your documents were confused with that of another applicant. "The young man wired back: "Sorry, but your wire came too late. I committed suicide 40 minutes ago." Space crasÅ. A foreign tourist in the U.S.A. remarked: "I see that you, Americans, have great interest in space flights." "Why do you think so?"- asked his guide. "I see so many people in the street are looking at the sky with telescopes." "Telescopes?"- the guide asked in astonishment, - "They are drinking beer from bottles." áct of SabotagÅ? The plane is ready to start. The passengers are going up. "Stop!"- shouts the mechanic,- "A gas tank is leaking. We'll have to fix it before taking off and it will take about an hour." "An hour's delay!"- commented a soldier. "But then I'll be late for my ship with my unit going overseras! "When the pilot heard this, he came to the soldier: "Listen", - he whispered, looking into his eyes,- "are you the one who drilled the hole in the gas tank?" Stranger. A small boy and his mother are looking through the family album. A boy takes one of the photographs, representing a nice looking young man in a smart soldier uniform. He asks: "Mother, who is this smart soldier?" "That is Daddy", - answered his mother. The boy kept thinking for a moment, and then said: "Well, then who is that fat bald-headed civilian which is leaving with us now?" Lack of Detail. An operator is working with a computer. He gave a very complicated task to computer. Then after a very long time the computer gave an answer: "Yes". Annoyed at the lack of detail the operator asked: "Yes what?" "Yes, sir", - answered the computer. *** A man was taken to a hospital after an accident. The doctor examined him and said, that he could go home the next day. However, in the morning, the doctor announced: "I think you'd better stay another day to see if something new turns up. I didn't know how bad you were banged up until I read about the accident in the newspapers. *** Once a famous Hollywood actress wrote to a famous wit and dramatist that it was a pity they were not the parents of a child. What a child it would have been: with her beauty and with his brains. Bernard Shaw, who was this dramatist, answered, that supposing the child would have been so unlucky to have his appearancee and her brains. ôo the Only girl. The young man approached the counter at which post-cards were being sold and asked: "Have you anything sentimental?" - "Here is a lovely one",- answered the shop-girl: "look here - "to the only girl I ever loved" - "That's fine, I'll take six of those, please". äÏÂÁ×ËÁ. ëÁË ÐÒÉÎÉÍÁÀÔ ÎÁ ÒÁÂÏÔÕ. I finally found a job. My job search skills are much developed, in preparation for the next time. Here is some of what I learned. oct 12 93 tues In my job search, I have been moderately successful in securing interviews. I have been interviewed face-to-face about once a week and face to phone twice a week. However, I have not enjoyed the same success in landing a job as in landing interviews. I seem more likely to land an airplane than a job right now. I am growing concerned that I may not be presenting myself well in interviews. I may not be projecting an effective combination of confidence, humility, friendliness, honesty, and sincerity that you need to bluff your way through an interview. I would like to ask you to help me decide how to answer some of the questions I am asked in interviews. I am going to show you some typical interviewer questions with three possible answers for each. I ask that you indicate the answer you prefer. The first question is: Question 1: Tell me about yourself. Possible Answers: A. I am a mature software developer with a expertise in electronic hardware. B. I used to compose music but now concentrate on reading literature. C. Out on the highway, my sportscar can outrun any state patrolcar. Question 2: What kind of job are you looking for? A. A challenging job in which I can grow and improve. B. A programming job where I can contribute and make a living. C. A job where no one minds if you come in a day or two late. Question 3: Have you ever done this type of job before? A. Yes, many times and very effectively. B. Sometimes, as part of other jobs. C. Sure, if you count watching it on television. Question 4: Why did you leave your job? A. I was in an involuntary downsizing with 21% of my department. B. I was caught in a lay-off. C. My boss caught me nuzzling his girlfriend. Question 5: How often did you take sick days? A. Only when I was too sick or contagious, since giving a virus to other employees would cost much more than my staying out a day or two. B. Now and then. C. Only when the Celtics were in town. Question 6: Why have you been out of work so long? A. The job market is very bad for software engineers right now. B. New England is in real economic distress. C. So far, no one has bothered to come down to the beach to offer me a new job. Question 7: What is your greatest weakness? A. I sometimes take my job too seriously. B. I often take ownership of my work so completely that I resist giving it to someone else. C. I often leave empty beer bottles lying around in my office where people can trip on them. Question 8: What is your greatest strength? A. I am an expert in programming. B. I am very professional about modern software engineering and am not a hacker. C. I can eat 21 raw eggs in one minute. Question 9: What references can you give me? A. Three colleagues from my last software project. B. My brother and an old college friend know me pretty well. C. Here's a number where anyone will vouch for me, but please call between 5 and 6 when it's happy hour. Question 10: Did you contribute very much to the way people at your last position performed their work?? A. I hope so. I tried to answer their questions. B. Yes; productivity doubled in my group while I was there. C. Sure, and I can shape up this dump in no time. Question 12: What kind of computer technology have you studied at home? A. I have studied compiler design. B. I have learned to use desk-top video. C. I can save the princess in Super Mario Brothers. Question 13: Do you think you'd enjoy working here? A. Yes. I can say that I could both contribute and grow here. B. Certainly. I would like working with such talented and dedicated people. C. I guess so. I'm gettin sick of watching Oprah and Phil. ôhe canonical collection of light bulb jokes Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: None of your damn business! A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!" Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business! Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside) Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb? A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!  Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who says it's dark? Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him. Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States. Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.